The Last Year

I’m still struggling with things, not to the extent I was, but still.  While I don’t show signs of depression, it’s clear that something, personality or mentally, is getting in my way.  With that in mind, let me review the last year.

  • Amelia died at the start of the last school year.  I still miss her.
  • My mom’s heart valve replacement surgery and recovery.  This was much more extreme than I imagined.  I spent a lot of time worrying.
  • Family financial issues — not mine.
  • Mental health issues for my family — mine and others.
  • The death of my aunt in April.
  • Ongoing school issues ranging from a lack of support, being vilified, being put on leave, and finally being told what I’d planned for a year wasn’t going to happen.  Oh, and being “encouraged” to transfer.  Funny, I filled out the form and nothing happened.  Nothing like the stress of not knowing.
  • My own mental concerns — depression (and treatment), irritability, and ongoing evaluations for potentially being ADHD or even having PTSD.
  • My brother’s death in August.  More striking than I originally wanted to admit.  I have concerns about my own mortality — do I get to live past 46?  Wishes for a better life for everyone.  Dealing with the past that I thought I’d buried.  I’m not as evolved as I want to believe.
  • My grandmother’s mortality with stage 4 colon cancer.  Again, the shifts in dynamics are huge.  While never close, I know that this closes the chapter on my relationship with my father’s family.  It is highly unlikely that I will really see them again.  Despite all dysfunction, I don’t know that I am ready for that.
  • The feeling that I’m an only child.  My relationships with all my siblings has been strained.  With Michael gone, who was my only full-sibling, now it’s just me.
  • More issues at work.  I know I need to own my part, I just wish I knew why the other part isn’t owned.  I guess I really want to know why I wasn’t transferred.
  • The upcoming termite tenting.  This seems to be a bigger task than I’d originally conceptualized.  Had I really paid attention, I would have pushed for this to be done over the summer.  Oh well…  At least I have time off to devote to it.
  • Other family dysfunction.  The amount of gossip is too much.

I suppose with that much happening, I should be proud to still be coherent and standing.  On the other hand, it’s hard to admit that I’m not as functional as I want or need to be.  Worse is not really knowing the right solution.

I suppose, like everything, it will come in its own time whether I like it or not.  Until then, there is work to be done.

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