I’m still struggling with things, not to the extent I was, but still. While I don’t show signs of depression, it’s clear that something, personality or mentally, is getting in my way. With that in mind, let me review the last year.
- Amelia died at the start of the last school year. I still miss her.
- My mom’s heart valve replacement surgery and recovery. This was much more extreme than I imagined. I spent a lot of time worrying.
- Family financial issues — not mine.
- Mental health issues for my family — mine and others.
- The death of my aunt in April.
- Ongoing school issues ranging from a lack of support, being vilified, being put on leave, and finally being told what I’d planned for a year wasn’t going to happen. Oh, and being “encouraged” to transfer. Funny, I filled out the form and nothing happened. Nothing like the stress of not knowing.
- My own mental concerns — depression (and treatment), irritability, and ongoing evaluations for potentially being ADHD or even having PTSD.
- My brother’s death in August. More striking than I originally wanted to admit. I have concerns about my own mortality — do I get to live past 46? Wishes for a better life for everyone. Dealing with the past that I thought I’d buried. I’m not as evolved as I want to believe.
- My grandmother’s mortality with stage 4 colon cancer. Again, the shifts in dynamics are huge. While never close, I know that this closes the chapter on my relationship with my father’s family. It is highly unlikely that I will really see them again. Despite all dysfunction, I don’t know that I am ready for that.
- The feeling that I’m an only child. My relationships with all my siblings has been strained. With Michael gone, who was my only full-sibling, now it’s just me.
- More issues at work. I know I need to own my part, I just wish I knew why the other part isn’t owned. I guess I really want to know why I wasn’t transferred.
- The upcoming termite tenting. This seems to be a bigger task than I’d originally conceptualized. Had I really paid attention, I would have pushed for this to be done over the summer. Oh well… At least I have time off to devote to it.
- Other family dysfunction. The amount of gossip is too much.
I suppose with that much happening, I should be proud to still be coherent and standing. On the other hand, it’s hard to admit that I’m not as functional as I want or need to be. Worse is not really knowing the right solution.
I suppose, like everything, it will come in its own time whether I like it or not. Until then, there is work to be done.