Earlier this week I’d realized that I had been a very active participant down the dark and winding road of depression by engaging, or not engaging, in behaviors that contributed directly to my feelings of being powerless. I’ve had another such realization.
Generally I’ve always exercised in one form or another. I would joke that I could weigh 1200 pounds, and I’d still exercise. As a rule, I enjoy movement. I like going for walks, dancing, and even reading on the Nordic Track. I know that I felt too tired to exercise when I got home from work, but in my heart I knew that a) I could only exercise for 5 or 10 minutes and that would be OK and b) exercise generally energizes you so I’d feel better in the long run.
Yet, I chose to engage in meaningless on-line pursuits or watching TV. TV, in particular, triggers me to overeat. I don’t know why. Yet, rather than be productive, I was doing things that kept me from engaging in life. Why?
I now realize I was avoiding myself.
I talk to myself A LOT. None more than when I’m exercising. I will reflect on the day, mull over ideas, think about life, love and the world in general. I have conversations I can’t have anymore with friends who aren’t present because time doesn’t allow the luxury of shooting the shit. Always, always, when it is over, I have a clearer mind. I know myself, my goals, my path, and my next steps.
Obviously by avoiding this activity, I was avoiding having the conversation with myself about where things stood in my life and what I should or should not be doing instead. Not only was I pulling away from my support group, I was pulling away from myself.