The Doctor is In

Because it’s 4 in the morning, and I’ve been up for a while, AND I really do think I’m depressed, I checked the WebMD site.  Yep, like a Magic 8 ball, all signs lead to depression, but only your doctor knows for sure. 🙂  Yes, I’m amused by that.

Because I’m academic, a bit of a wonk, and into dissecting my life for others to see, I thought I’d go ahead and go through the symptoms and share how I know.  Yes, it’s true.  It’s all in my head.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

An episode of major depression lasts for at least 2 weeks. I got this one.  I think I’ve been vibrating on a pretty high frequency since November.  Definitely since my birthday when I had a tremendous crying jag.

Symptoms include a depressed mood and/or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities, along with at least 4 of the following:

  • Increased irritability — YES, YES, and YES.  Case in point, I was so incredibly upset that Taed didn’t get home until almost 8 last night.  It was insane how much I was mad, and there was NO REASON for it.  Plus, my students’ behavior is more than I care to handle.  I know adolescents.  I know not to take it personally.  However, that’s not how I’m acting.  And it’s hurting my relationship with them.

    I also have found myself way too enmeshed in the idea that I don’t “suffer fools gladly”.  Again, not a good thing. Affecting my job and not in a good way.  NEEDS to be fixed.

  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt — More than you know.  I actually feel that I’m a bad teacher, despite what I know about myself.  There’s no time in the last year that I’ve felt good about what I’m doing.  I don’t feel supported, I don’t feel appreciated, and I’m finding that I’m wanting to be punitive, petulant, and passive-aggressive.
  • Agitation or restlessness — I think so.  My brain can’t rest, but it also can’t land on something and focus either.  Worse is that the males in my class are being aggressive and in-your-face which means that, rather than being reasonable, so am I.  How stupid is that?
  • Fatigue and loss of energy — Very much so.  I used to get things done.  Now, I don’t.  Which circles back to feeling worthless and having guilt.
  • Trouble thinking, making decisions, or concentrating — Yep. On all levels.  There are times when I actually feel my brain stop and disengage.  It’s incredibly disconcerting.  All of a sudden I’ll have to stop and tell people I’m done.  I can’t think anymore.
  • Disturbed sleep, such as insomnia — Sometimes, like today.  Other times I just sleep whenever possible.  I’ve become a huge napper. 
  • Changes in appetite or weight — Oh my yes.  I eat everything even if I don’t like it.  I’ve put on 30-40 pounds in the last 3 years depending on the day. Plus I’m not exercising.  I just can’t be bothered.  I stopped going to Jazzercise, which I know is stupid, but I don’t want to.  It’s clear that I’m isolating myself big time and have been.  Taed does weekly homework, so once summer starts I will too.  I NEED to return to a social exercise class.  I definitely need to get back to daily exercise, if only for the meditative quality of it.
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts — NOT AT ALL.  I guess I should be incredibly thankful for that, huh?  With everything else, I can see how easy it would be to head here next.  Or perhaps if I don’t FIX everything above this is what will show up?  That just terrifies me.  I HAVE to fix this.

Now that I’ve diagnosed myself, I need to actually make an appointment.  It’s clear that this isn’t going to take care of itself and is actually a much bigger thing than I thought.  Physician, heal thyself.

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