Because it’s 4 in the morning, and I’ve been up for a while, AND I really do think I’m depressed, I checked the WebMD site. Yep, like a Magic 8 ball, all signs lead to depression, but only your doctor knows for sure. 🙂 Yes, I’m amused by that.
Because I’m academic, a bit of a wonk, and into dissecting my life for others to see, I thought I’d go ahead and go through the symptoms and share how I know. Yes, it’s true. It’s all in my head.
What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
An episode of major depression lasts for at least 2 weeks. I got this one. I think I’ve been vibrating on a pretty high frequency since November. Definitely since my birthday when I had a tremendous crying jag.
Symptoms include a depressed mood and/or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities, along with at least 4 of the following:
- Increased irritability — YES, YES, and YES. Case in point, I was so incredibly upset that Taed didn’t get home until almost 8 last night. It was insane how much I was mad, and there was NO REASON for it. Plus, my students’ behavior is more than I care to handle. I know adolescents. I know not to take it personally. However, that’s not how I’m acting. And it’s hurting my relationship with them.
I also have found myself way too enmeshed in the idea that I don’t “suffer fools gladly”. Again, not a good thing. Affecting my job and not in a good way. NEEDS to be fixed.
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt — More than you know. I actually feel that I’m a bad teacher, despite what I know about myself. There’s no time in the last year that I’ve felt good about what I’m doing. I don’t feel supported, I don’t feel appreciated, and I’m finding that I’m wanting to be punitive, petulant, and passive-aggressive.
- Agitation or restlessness — I think so. My brain can’t rest, but it also can’t land on something and focus either. Worse is that the males in my class are being aggressive and in-your-face which means that, rather than being reasonable, so am I. How stupid is that?
- Fatigue and loss of energy — Very much so. I used to get things done. Now, I don’t. Which circles back to feeling worthless and having guilt.
- Trouble thinking, making decisions, or concentrating — Yep. On all levels. There are times when I actually feel my brain stop and disengage. It’s incredibly disconcerting. All of a sudden I’ll have to stop and tell people I’m done. I can’t think anymore.
- Disturbed sleep, such as insomnia — Sometimes, like today. Other times I just sleep whenever possible. I’ve become a huge napper.
- Changes in appetite or weight — Oh my yes. I eat everything even if I don’t like it. I’ve put on 30-40 pounds in the last 3 years depending on the day. Plus I’m not exercising. I just can’t be bothered. I stopped going to Jazzercise, which I know is stupid, but I don’t want to. It’s clear that I’m isolating myself big time and have been. Taed does weekly homework, so once summer starts I will too. I NEED to return to a social exercise class. I definitely need to get back to daily exercise, if only for the meditative quality of it.
- Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts — NOT AT ALL. I guess I should be incredibly thankful for that, huh? With everything else, I can see how easy it would be to head here next. Or perhaps if I don’t FIX everything above this is what will show up? That just terrifies me. I HAVE to fix this.
Now that I’ve diagnosed myself, I need to actually make an appointment. It’s clear that this isn’t going to take care of itself and is actually a much bigger thing than I thought. Physician, heal thyself.