Valentine’s Day

I make it my mission to talk to students about the world around them.  I throw out such useful nuggets as, “When a woman sighs at you, it means she thinks you’re absolutely hopeless — like the kind of person who should be thankful breathing, blinking and digesting are involuntary.” and “When you say “whatever” in that tone of voice, it’s exactly like giving the double middle finger salute and saying “eff” you.  Is *that* what you *meant* to say?”

Because they are 8th graders, I figured it was time to get slightly more specific.  I informed the boys that on Valentine’s Day they were expected, *NAY* required, to make sure that something romantic was planned.  They were told that, when they are older and their wife/girlfriend works in an office, then a delivery of flowers of EXTREME size MUST arrive at the office.  I don’t care if it’s Friday.  Plus that arrangement better be fabulous and outshine the arrangement her frenemy received. I pointed out that they are to make reservations a month in advance at the best place they can afford but not really, buy a wonderful gift (generally jewelry), and to make sure she feels loved, honored, and romanced.  Anything less will get him the silent treatment and yearly snarky reminders.  Plus she’ll trash talk you to friends, neighbors, people in line at the movies, family and your ex-girlfriend.

They sat there stunned, silent with mouths agape.  Seriously? Yep, at least when I worked at an office.  Then one asked me what *I* do for Valentine’s Day.  I pointed out that orchids are cheap at Trader Joe’s and that I like a good Lee’s Sandwich.  Plus I don’t like going out with everyone else and eating poor quality food that’s marked up ’cause it’s Valentine’s Day.  More staring.  Seriously?  Yep.  One said, “Maybe you’re not a real woman.”  I’m willing to entertain his argument.

Then they asked how come I was this way and were there others like me.  I informed them that, yes, there are more of my tribe.  However, they need to be careful ’cause some will say it’s not important and then be mad.  That’s worse than a woman expecting the sun, moon, stars, and diamonds.

Finally I explained they had a while before this would take place, but if they were currently dating the expectation was a good, romantic card, stuffed animal, maybe some candy, but definitely one single red rose which denotes LOVE.  Plus you had to sit with your girlfriend  at lunch or in class if there was a party.


Yes, seriously. Even the girls were staring because I’d just said everything they wanted these poor boys to know.  Sigh… Even with a blunt force object, they don’t seem to get it.

(I can’t wait for the 14th to see what happens)


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