Dark Soul Confession

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It’s that time of week again to confess.  While Mamarazzi is taking a little break Housewife Electric is hosting for now.  Come on and join in on the fun and link up or check out her site.

I confess…

I’ve been an emotional mess all this week.  I’m assuming that all of the stress and negative feelings from the past two months coming to the surface.  I’m vacillating between anger, sorrow, and complete apathy.  Not necessarily in that order and sometimes simultaneously.

I confess..

I don’t know the genesis of all this.  I know I’m unhappy at work, but is that because of work or other things?  No work situation is perfect, but it does seem to me in each of my teaching positions, I’ve managed to land someplace that seems glued together but then doesn’t meet up to my ideas and standards.  Which, of course, makes it sound like a Suzanne problem, not a work problem.

I confess…

My lack of enthusiastic emotional state towards my teaching has made me feel like I’m the worst teacher on the planet.  I feel too much of my time is being spent on management, which I truly feel should not be an issue with 13 and 14 year olds who are more than capable of controlling themselves.  I know from every parent of a child that age, that’s EXACTLY what you spend 99% of your time on, but while I was intellectually ready, I wasn’t emotionally steeled for this to happen.  It’s positively draining spending your emotional energy this way.  I know there are other ways, but I’m not sure how to get there.  Worse…

I confess…

I feel that the whole “pick your battles” thing, which is HIGHLY recommended, is how I got here in the first place.  I was ignoring or allowing the kids who didn’t want to work to pick that path.  After all, I can’t *MAKE* them (although I want to).  So instead of sending them out, giving them tasks at lunch or even trying to send it home (impossible because they place ALL work in desks and abandon it so they don’t have to show their parents/guardians), I’ve just tried to minimize it.  Now instead of one or two students like that, I have six or seven.

I confesss…

THIS PISSES ME OFF (see 1st confession).  Sigh.  So this little circular mess of an infinite loop needs an escape plan.  Sort of an if/then statement.  Thing is, when I try to talk about it at school, all I get is “What are you doing differently to get the students motivated?”  Which means, of course, it’s my fault. Again.

I confess…

If I could quit, I would.  That confession alone breaks my heart.  I’m not a quitter by nature, but even I know when I’ve been beat.  It is better to rail against the system or to go peacefully?  More than wanting away from this one job is the fear that I’m not a good teacher for ANY kid in ANY school at ANY time.  Maybe it really is just me.

I confess…

I don’t know how to take that.

 

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One thought on “Dark Soul Confession

  1. Jolene says:

    Oh my sweet friend IF only I knew you were going to this age bracket I would have given you warning. Age 13 ALL of my boys so far have turned into something I never raised. Emily was the same way when we moved her. 13 year old and Senior year are the toughest years I think when dealing with children. To think I have one more to deal with next year then no more 13 year old for me. I swear they do not know how to deal with the hormones and that is the why they act like aliens. Some even the boys are on a monthly cycle. Joshua was, I called it his PMS week. 14 is still moody but 13 *shaking my head* you poor thing. I hope things get better for you.

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