Living In Denial

I’m not so much passive-aggressive as much as I’m aggressive-aggressive.  However, even I know enough to tone down my natural tendencies in the best interests of team work and making it work.  Even though I’m pretty good about stating how I feel, I don’t think I’ve truly been honest about the state of my state lately. I actually think that I’ve been, for lack of a better term, swallowing my disappointment, anger, ire and general malaise.

Well, that may not be true.  People know about them.  I’m fairly transparent.  I guess what I haven’t been honest about or happy with is how many of these things that can be controlled just aren’t.  It’s been pretty hard on me this year, as well as the previous two, to feel like I’m the lightning rod for all that’s wrong at school.  While I understand that attention has been “deflected” away from me, I haven’t actually felt protected, nurtured, or defended.  Now, whether that feeling is justified, I can’t say.  I just know it’s how I feel.

The first year, I was considered too hard, too mean, too forthright.  However, every time I asked for something I was told “no”.  There was no compromise, no checking in, no collaboration.  It’s amazing I survived.  No, that’s not true.  I will always survive.  I also don’t give in easily – it’s not my style.  It’s amazing I didn’t do something stupid, scream and yell, and then get administratively transferred because I burned that bridge.  I’m surprised that I didn’t just decide to walk away.  Then again, I had classified it as my dream job so I kept my hopes up.

The second year was better, but not professionally.  I’ve not made any progress in my craft whatsoever.  I’m in this horrific holding pattern of not feeling accomplished, yet not knowing how to change it.  Obviously my lack of focus has caused a lot of this.  Add to that new players who weren’t ready for the game, and truthfully, don’t always even want to play it.  What few elements we had were scrapped to appease people who said they refused.  How is that even possible?  I was tasked with being a team leader to people who had no interest in following or even letting me do my job because that person expected to lead — except that that person didn’t.  It’s hard to work with people who dial it in.

This year was almost miserable in how much strife existed.  Add to that my extreme disappointment that we had no direction, no leadership, and too many chiefs and not enough Indians.  Everyone wants to lead, but no one wants to do the work, be accountable, work late without pay, or put things on paper.  We seriously had become sitting ducks.  We couldn’t get to the far shore if our lives depended on it.  I kept pulling back, pulling back, acquiescing, giving in, and even faking it — all to no avail.  I felt that it was some sort of power play between me and my large, in charge colleague with strings being pulled by some unseen puppet master — seriously, I don’t know WHO is working the strings, but if my suspicions are accurate, it’s not a good thing. Truthfully after this year I’m finding it hard to trust anyone.  I am suspicious, angry, and frustrated.

It all sounds like I know what’s what, right?  However, I know I must be in denial about something because I have anxiety, anger, low energy, and a desire to eat absolutely everything that isn’t nailed down.  Obviously I need to make some major change, but I’m not sure what that is, how to do it, when or even if that will solve the problem.  After all, not everything is environmental.

Sometimes there are no answers, just questions and concerns.  For right now, though, I know that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.

 

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One thought on “Living In Denial

  1. Jolene says:

    I’m sorry you are going through this. If you ever need to talk, I’m always here for you. Love you so much!

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