I’m not a big one for destiny, yet I believe that things have a time, a place, and an expiration date. As much as I’m not ready to give anything up in my life right now, I recognize that some of my behaviors don’t support that idea. I’ve offended a colleague monumentally. Part of me feels that I should work to repair it. Obviously the other side doesn’t hold that same thought process.
Generally I work hard to be cordial to people with whom I’m not friendly. I do recognize that my “Stilton” (some may say Limburger) personality works against me. In teaching so many people are “gentile”, and I most certainly am not. However, as much as I may think I need to, I’m not willing to dial it down for this person. Hence the blog. I need to figure out WHY.
Part of me has to be truthful in that I want to see the rubber hit the road. Talk is cheap, and this person’s actions don’t support the talk. Any person, institution, job or process can be dysfunctional. Our little hiccup in the world went Mach 9 upon Colleague X’s arrival. This person is not invested in our program. I am angry about it, since Colleague X’s hiring was based on the assumption of opting in, rather than opting out. What we were sold, I’ve yet to see materialize. That irks me — A LOT.
I wonder if I’m pushing it to see which one of us breaks and leaves first. I’ve offered. If I’ve given all I can and it’s obvious that my presence is counter-productive, I’ll walk away. Everyone needs a kick in the pants. Failure can be a powerful motivator. I don’t want to fail, but I don’t want mediocrity in place of success either.
Then again, Colleague X, for all the fits about hurt feelings and being on the defensive of “being attacked” certainly does what’s possible or needed to make a show of “making it work.” Nothing feels authentic, but then again one can’t really “doubt” the intention. I’m weary of what happened upon arrival, how isolated the person felt, how Colleague X didn’t know ANYONE. It’s bull. I keep throwing out my war stories to put things into perspective. WE ALL HAVE IT HARD, now shut up and do more than “help us move forward.”
It may be my destiny to be on the ground floor of flop. If it happens, so be it. However, I will forever be angry if flopping is the only option due to the lack of innovation, cooperation, and plausible deniability brought on by false prophets.
Someone, not naming names (blog writer), might want to consider some therapy.