The Twilight Saga

OK, admittedly sometimes you should not hand romance novels to people like me.  Cynics such as myself will find too many things to mock, we will sarcastically wonder the most inappropriate things, we will want our time and money back.  Seriously, I’d like those 3 years of my life back.  OK, that’s not true.  I read at a good clip.  It ONLY seemed like three years.  Why?  BECAUSE IT WAS INSIPID!  I would read, roll my eyes, put the book down and get back to it later.  It took me a good week to 10 days to finish AND IT’S NOT HARD TO READ.

Fine, I only read the first two.  I couldn’t bear going further.  I’m told it gets better.  I’m not that open to additional pain and misery ESPECIALLY when there are GOOD BOOKS I haven’t gotten to (damn you, Us Magazine!).

My list of issues?

  • Bella, from the “big city” of Phoenix has no life skills whatsoever for being… well, anywhere.
  • It skeeves me out when really old men go after young girls.  He’s like 100 and she’s 17.  I think he has some commitment issues.
  • Since when is stalking romantic?  Who else was freaked out at his breaking and entering?
  • He was HARD all the time?  LORD.  That’s just a gross metaphor all the way around.  WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
  • He shimmers?  Are vampires the new My Little Pony?
  • Again, I am so grossed out by the sexual implication that he “loves the way she smells.”  YUCKY.  I see a vampire themed Summer’s Eve commercial in our future.
  • How many times can one character end up in some sort of predicament where she needs saved?  Get that girl some ADD medicine, a GPS phone, and a clue — not necessarily in that order.
  • She seems thick as a brick, amazingly simple, and not very interesting but he’s fascinated because he “can’t get a read on her”.  100 years old and this is the first time he encounters vacuous in a high school setting?
  • There’s an Italian Mafia of Vampires.  Really?  That just seems…wrong.
  • They smell her deliciousness too.  I’m really, really, really grossed out.
  • Team Edward is ugly.  Sorry.
  • Team Jacob would be hot, but he’s 12 and that’s just wrong in a woman of my advanced age.
  • Unless you’re fat and ugly in high school (like I was), you usually have had a few romances go south on you.  Get over it.  Geez.
  • Great, now she hears voices.  Where’s Edward so he can figure her out now?
  • Did I mention that he’s cold, hard and sparkly?  It’s EXACTLY like a my little pony/Ken doll experiment.
  • He mutilates animals for food?  Why not buy a steak and eat it rare?  Blood pudding?  Hang out in Scotland?  Seriously, there are better places than Washington.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, but it’s been a few years.  I guess I should be happy that Edward keeps Bella chaste.  If not for her complete obsession with her, she might have lost herself to some normal, average, messed up high school dude.  As it is, she keeps BEGGING him to TAKE her and make her into a vampire before she gets OLD AND UGLY.

(eye roll and sigh) Seriously?  YUCK.

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