“Maybe you’re just like my mother…”

She’s never satisfied.

It’s a line from When Doves Cry by Prince off of the Purple Rain album (back when they made those).  Where am I going with this you ask… Meandering is the answer.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately.  True, I do have seasonal depression, and true I could be going into perimenopause.  However, change racks me to the core.  Part of change is finding a place in the world for myself.  Since I’m very much a square peg in a round world, this is hard for me.  It’s almost like I can intuit the one thing that will tap dance on someone’s last nerve and I’ll head that way. Not surprisingly I annoy and anger people easily.  It takes people a long time to appreciate me.  By a long time, I mean YEARS.

Today was a pretty good teaching day.  The kids learned what I wanted them to learn, and they were highly successful in service learning.  Ceramics didn’t go well, but I have a plan for that.  They did, however, lose it for tomorrow.  While “enthusiastic” they are not always respectful in a way that makes sense to others.

On top of that, I had three great parent interactions today.  I continue to have fairly positive parent interactions.  At my previous school, my lack of a second language prevented me from being a good communicator with my students’ families.  Here, I am lucky.  We generally speak English, which is helpful.

This is pretty good.  However, I reflected to the one missing piece.  The administrative element doesn’t feel right.  That nags me and has me ready to throw in the towel.  It’s made me wonder if I’m cut out for doing this long term.  That undermines the rest.

I now wonder, can you have it all?  Should I even expect to achieve that Holy Triumvirate of student,  parent, and school community.  Perhaps I should be satisfied that I had two great meetings today, one parent thinks my program is perfect for his child, and another is singing our program’s praises in public.  Maybe that should be enough.

Sadly for me it’s not.  I want that feeling that comes from having a community when I leave my classroom.  I don’t want my classroom to be the place I hide and work in isolation.  I’ve not done it in so long that it hurts to blaze trails by myself.

I suspect there is no answer.  However, I’ve accurately identified my issue.  I guess that’s a start.


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